My biggest problem with the Pirates isn't that they're terrible. It's just that they're not entertaining. Nothing exciting happens to the Pirates. They might have one or two big ninth inning comebacks at PNC Park each year, but there's never any drama.
Last year the highlight of the season for me was when Doug Mientkiewicz tried to fight Randy Johnson at a meaningless game in early June. Mientkiewicz went on to call the Big Unit "mentally weak."
"Alright! Now we're getting somewhere!" I thought.
I couldn't have been more wrong. Outside of signing two guys from Indian who had never even seen a baseball game before, and failed to win a reality tv show contest because they couldn't throw 85 MPH, the Pirates were essentially boring last year.
Outside of Freddy Sanchez's unexpected run at the batting title a few years, the most exciting season in recent memory was the historic 1997 "Freak Show" season. I remember it clearly, a bunch of no-names fail to reach .500 but still ended up in 2nd place in the NL Central.
That was excitement. And that excitement is all but gone from PNC Park now. Sure it's a nice way to spend the day. Go get some food, visit an incredible park, get a great view of the city and occasionally see one of the league's elite players on the visiting team come into town and make the Pirates look silly.
But is it really all that exciting? I don't think so. But it can be. The possibilities for the Pirates to put an exciting product on the field are clearly there. I have come up with a Top 10 list of things the Pirates can do to make their games more exciting.
The Top 5 Things The Pittsburgh Pirates Can Do To Make Their Games Entertaining
05.) Ball
I think we can all get behind a ball chimpanzee going crazy and attacking either LaRoche brother.
Cutest Ball Boy Ever? I'm sure Vatican City, Madagascar, and The Democratic Republic of the Congo have some budding talent waiting to be discovered. Hell maybe Sengala (the fictional country from the current season of the Fox tv show "24") has some capable ball players.
Ike Dubaku, future 1st Baseman?03.) The Renegade Video: Pirates Edition.
The Penguins were showing a half hockey/half football version of the famed "Renegade" Video during the Steelers Super Bowl run and the fans loved it. If any team in Pittsburgh needs the ole "Steelers Rub" it's the Pirates.
Just imagine: the amazing vocal stylings of Dennis DeYoung accompanied by videos of big Steelers defensive plays and hard hits. Oh and throw in a Pirate highlight or two from the past few years. Like Randall Simon KOing the sausage, Mientkiewicz going after Randy Johnson, and um...other stuff.
"Dear Mama I can hear you cryin', you're so scared and all alone"
The Penguins were showing a half hockey/half football version of the famed "Renegade" Video during the Steelers Super Bowl run and the fans loved it. If any team in Pittsburgh needs the ole "Steelers Rub" it's the Pirates.
Just imagine: the amazing vocal stylings of Dennis DeYoung accompanied by videos of big Steelers defensive plays and hard hits. Oh and throw in a Pirate highlight or two from the past few years. Like Randall Simon KOing the sausage, Mientkiewicz going after Randy Johnson, and um...other stuff.
"Dear Mama I can hear you cryin', you're so scared and all alone"02.) Act Like Real Pirates.
Ok get this: Build a shark pit just outside of center field. Build a metal plank leading from the right field bleachers. Whenever a Pirate player makes an insanely stupid play (which is like, a lot) you send them to right field. Fans can purchase special "Shark Tank" seats at $150 a pop. When said player makes said stupid play, those fans in the Shark Tank seats make 'em walk the plank! Everybody wins!
01.) Bring Back The Freak Show: Literally.
Create at freak show style atmosphere at all the games. This can be done in numerous ways.
First, you can hire a bunch of inbreds from West Virginia to walk around the parking lot and the stadium in their barefeet. Let them go up to random fans and just start sniffing them. It doesn't really fit with the whole Pirate theme, but since Pirates are supposed to be badass, neither does losing constantly.
Have all of the PNC Park vendors be circus acts. The bearded lady can sell the cotton candy.
But most importantly, load the team up with freaks, has beens, wannabes, and players who would make the cast of Major League (at the beginning of the movie) look like all-stars.
Hey, it couldn't make the team any worse. Could it?
Ok get this: Build a shark pit just outside of center field. Build a metal plank leading from the right field bleachers. Whenever a Pirate player makes an insanely stupid play (which is like, a lot) you send them to right field. Fans can purchase special "Shark Tank" seats at $150 a pop. When said player makes said stupid play, those fans in the Shark Tank seats make 'em walk the plank! Everybody wins!
01.) Bring Back The Freak Show: Literally.
Create at freak show style atmosphere at all the games. This can be done in numerous ways.
First, you can hire a bunch of inbreds from West Virginia to walk around the parking lot and the stadium in their barefeet. Let them go up to random fans and just start sniffing them. It doesn't really fit with the whole Pirate theme, but since Pirates are supposed to be badass, neither does losing constantly.
Have all of the PNC Park vendors be circus acts. The bearded lady can sell the cotton candy.
But most importantly, load the team up with freaks, has beens, wannabes, and players who would make the cast of Major League (at the beginning of the movie) look like all-stars.
Hey, it couldn't make the team any worse. Could it?
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